Аннотация: "Куроёб" в переводе на английский язык.
Vladimir Yaremenko-Tolstoy
Chicken-Fucker
(A one-act drama)
In an English rendition by Yves de Cent
Dramatis personae:
He
She
He: (reading a newspaper outloud) "Jury Juryevich Toporov, a Leningrad Oblast pensioner, was torn out of his sleep in the middle of the night by the shrieking of his favourite Indian cockerel. The cock, it seemed, crowed at an ungodly hour. And rather strangely at that. Jury Juryevich pricked up his ears. The piercing shriek did not let up. Stepping out into his yard, Jury Juryevich could only just make out the silhouette of a figure running for the forest. The pensioner's heart missed a beat, and with dark presentiments he hurried toward the chicken-coop. There, utter chaos reigned. The madly clucking chickens had hidden themselves in the corners while the Indian cockerel held up its horrible shriek, although not as piercingly as before. On the earthen floor she lay - Aniuta, Jury Jurevich's breeding-hen - in a most unnatural position. Her feathers were dishevelled and she gasped with heavy breaths through her wide-open beak. "The Chicken-Fucker!" cursed Toporov out loud, and went to call the district inspector."
She: (vexed) Nonsense! Idle tabloid cock-and-bull! There is no "Chicken-Fucker"! He doesn't exist!
He: You're wrong. It's already the eighth time in the past few weeks. By the way, it says here that his Aniuta, his favourit breeding-hen, died soon after! Aren't you sorry for the poor thing?
She: I cannot imagine how anyone could copulate with a chicken! They don't even have proper genitals! It's totally absurd!
He: Why? Have you ever seen a chicken's asshole? It's just perfectly nice and round ... muscular and appetizing. I think that fucking it might even be ... very nice.
She: U-ak! How can you say something so revolting!
He: Alright, alright. Sorry! Come here, here's a kiss..
She: Get away from me! You're disgusting!
He: C'mon, don't be angry, I was just joking (trying to put his arm around her shoulders).
She: (turns away) Leave me alone..
He: Maybe we could go... do it?
She: NO WAY! After what you said...!
He: But what did I say?
She: Oh, nothing! I'll just imagine myself in the part of the chicken from now on!
He: Oh, don't be silly! Anyway, this "Chicken-Fucker" is just an invention of the tabloids. I totally agree with you. Let's go make lo...
She: No! The Chicken-Fucker exists! You yourself just convinced me of it.
He: Fuck the Chicken-Fucker! Everyone is barking mad about him already! What does this have to do with us? He's not even in town, but somewhere in the Tosnensky Region, way in the south.
She: You know, Katya called yesterday. She says she scared to go out in the street at night...
He: What does Katya have to be afraid about?
She: Not what, but whom! The Chicken-Fucker!
He: She's so ugly that even the Chicken-Fucker wouldn't put an eye on her.
She: Stupid Chicken-Fucker yourself!
He: (indignant) Chicken-Fucker -- me?
She: Yea - Chicken-Fucker!
He: (with a gasp): Me, the Chicken-Fucker???
She: Yes, you!
He: And you, you... you know who you are?
She: Who?
He: ... a chicken!
She: Are you really sure you want to say that?
He: Yes!
She: Chicken-Fucker!
He: Chicken!
She: Chicken-Fucker!
He: Chicken!
She: Chicken-Fucker!
He: Shut up!
She: Shut up yourself!
He: We'd better have dinner instead.
She: Ok.
He: (opening the paper) "The population is in a state of alarm. Our editorial offices have been flooded with calls. People are shocked by the outrages committed by the Chicken-Fucker, and demand his immediate apprehension by the authorities and a public investigation through the courts. In the below, the Leningrad Oblast Procurator responds to the questions of our readers:".
She: Interesting...
He: "The acts of the Chicken-Fucker are not subsumed under the articles of the criminal code of the Russian Federation. In the case of his apprehension by the police, he cannot even be charged with so much as theft, inasmuch as he has not unlawfully taken possession of another person's property. To consider his acts as hooliganism is also not possible, due to the lack of witnesses.
She: Can't they catch him?!
He: Even if they do, what then?!
She: After the procurator's statement, he could get even cockier, and do all this out in the open...
He: ...in assurance of his impunity! He could get of Scot free!
She: Exactly!
He: I'm afraid!
She: Don't be scared!
He: Just to think of this sinister world we live in! It never used to be like this. Maybe we should move away ... move to Germany?
She: How can you be so naОve! The German consulate in Saint Petersburg has stopped issuing entry visas long ago. They're not letting in the Chicken-Fucker. They have enough problems in Germany without him!
He: So we're too late! What should we do now? How go on living like this? Is there no way out? I'm afraid. I'm afraid!
She: Me too!
He: Maybe we should light a candle? It's late, getting dark...
She: Who's going to switch off the light?
He: You!
She: Why me?!
He: You're closer...
She: Or maybe we should make love?
He: I can't do it!
She: Why not? You just wanted to, a minute ago...
He: No, I can't! As long as the Chicken-Fucker is out and about, I can't! I'll think I'm doing it with ... a chicken.
She: Me, you mean ME - a chicken?
He: Forgive me, but it'll seem that way to me!
She: Alright then, just imagine that I have a muscular little asshole...
He: What are you suggesting?
She: Idiot!
He: I've never done it ... up the backside before!
She: No, you're the Chicken-Fucker!
He: Me, the Chicken-Fucker?
She: Yes-yes, the Chicken-Fucker! The real, actual, real Chicken-Fucker!
He: Oh, really? Then I'll leave!
She: Where to?
He: Out! Into the street!
She: (worried) But what if the Chicken-Fucker is out there?
He: (doomed) Well, then that's they way it has to be!
She: Well then go! But never come back! And take your newspaper with you!